I read that some people in Newtown are taking down their Christmas decorations. I noticed a house on our street tonight that had toned down its decorations -- where before they had all sorts of things going on, now they have only some blue lights. Another group of houses that are just incredibly gaudily decorated, and also hooked up to a radio station so that the lights go on and off to the music, had turned the music off, and the lights were just steadily on. Of course I can't explain this to the twins (we're not talking to them about the tragedy).
In contrast, we finally put up our outside lights today. But it's just one simple string across the garage door and another small string wrapped around a bush. We also put up our tree today and burned the eight candles of the last night of Hanukkah. I don't feel like we're celebrating. It's more that we're surrounding ourselves with the comforting warmth of family and home and memories.
In my family of origin, we have some pretty brutal memories surrounding the holiday season, enough so that the holidays are changed -- for us all, I think. Well, I shouldn't speak for others. Changed for me, I can say that. At this time of year I have to spend some time thinking about the sad parts. I don't feel as though I can talk about these things with most people, because they recoil in horror. And that in itself is a kind of loss. But Christmas for me is still a time of comfort, because I have a lot of happy memories too. I like to relax into the memories of Christmases spent with my mother, who is gone now.
I can't imagine what the holidays are going to be like -- forever more -- for the families of the 26 people who were murdered. Especially the mothers and fathers of the 20 little children. The families of the 6 adults can know their murdered loved ones were heroes. The families of the little children -- what can they do? Maybe they'll form a group and have memorials together each year. That might help.
I hope something can be done about the guns. I feel ready to help out with that one. Don't you just want to storm the NRA headquarters and rip their people limb from limb? I guess that's the wrong attitude. Bury them in daisies, or something. I'm just done with Republicans and people who want everyone to carry a gun (a Sig Sauer?), so we'll all be safer.
Mainly I want this not to be forgotten. Shooting after shooting, we just sigh and say "Another one." I want to stop doing that. I am so done with all these guns.
Lighting a candle in my mind for everyone who lost a little child on Friday. I can't stop hugging my babies.
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