Happy to day

Happy birthday to me! Or, as Baby A puts it, "Happy to day," although I was hearing another version today, something like "Happy cake day," from both boys. They don't understand about getting older, but they know cake, and they know birthdays are all about cake.

We came up to the Bay Area this weekend for the holiday, my birthday, and a little vacation. My sister Nancy brought gourmet cupcakes for our 4th of July dessert last night, and after lunch today my sister Barbara pulled out a leftover double chocolate cupcake, put 5 candles on it, lit them, and everyone sang happy birthday to me. Then the babies and I went out on the front lawn and ate the cupcake together, and then Baby A ate the green candle.

I was remembering another birthday -- which one would it have been? Maybe 20? -- when I didn't want to have a cake. I was going through A PHASE of some sort, and I decided to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies, put on a long dress, and sit on my parents' front lawn all day. If anyone wanted to stop by and have a cookie, they could. As I recall, some of my friends did, although they were all irritated with me.

My oldest sister, Jenny, was also irritated with me, because her children were 5 and 2, and she felt that they wouldn't understand that it was a birthday if there wasn't a cake. So she made a small cake (I think it was the one-egg cake recipe) and put candles on it, and everyone sang happy birthday to me after dinner. I can't remember if I was gracious enough to actually blow out the candles (probably not). I remember that I was irritated with my sister.

Oh memory, what a bother you are! So hard to look back and remember what a colossal ass I was at age 20. I guess it is nice to be able to look back and realize that I've grown up a little, even if it did take 30 years.

The little 5-year-old who was at that earlier birthday party was at this party too -- she's 35 now, my beloved Risa. Now, I might be making this up, but I think Risa spent some time out on the front lawn with me and the chocolate-chip cookies, 30 years ago. She was fascinated by my whole "alternative birthday project." I think I had my guitar out there too -- not my guitar, really, it was Barbara's guitar, but I had it on indefinite loan. I could play about 3 chords on it. I guess I must have sat out there and played guitar. This is really painfully embarrassing to recall. I don't know why I'm torturing myself with these memories.

Those of you at home doing the math may have noticed that 20 + 30 = 50. I'm not quite there with you yet -- in my heart I'm still 49.

No, that's not true, I'm with you. I'm ready to come clean to the world. I'm 50. I'm 50 years old with two-year-old twins. Does that mean I've grown up, or does it mean I've completely lost my mind? Maybe a bit of both.

The other memory that's been teasing me today is of my old boss, Lauren Langford, who died when she was 50, of ovarian cancer. She was 10 years older than me, so that was 10 years ago. You know what they always say when people complain about their age -- it's better than the alternative.

When we were trying to get pregnant, all those hard sad years, I tried various "alternative" methods, including positive thinking, visualization, meditation, that sort of thing. I remember at one point trying to reach out to people I loved who had died, asking them to help send me a new little soul from the other side. I tried asking Lauren for help, because she was always so on top of everything in this world. I thought she'd have good connections beyond the veil. Instead, I had a dream that she was actually too busy to help me, because she was helping SO many other people with real emergencies.

It's OK, we got our little men. And if there is an "other side," I just know it's full of people who are cheering us on -- including Lauren, though she's probably still really really busy.

50 years old! Half a century! What an amazing achievement, and all I did was stay alive. It makes 100 look possible. OK, maybe not likely, but heck, worth a try. One day at a time, and all that. In the meantime, I'm going to bed, so that tomorrow is a good day too. Happy birthday to me, and thanks to all of you for being there.